Blog 42: I'm gonna bring Christmas Down.

Not sure why, but I'm not feeling it this Christmas. When I say not feeling it, I will give you a mental image.
Christmas. That feeling that you are going to go outside and see Christmas lights on every house, how in the distance you will hear someone ringing a bell next to a bucket for orphans money, and there will be a light breeze crisp with the promise of snow. Looking down the street you will catch the glimpse of a fully decorated Christmas tree sparkling in the front window of a house, and turning you will see another house where they have gone the traditional route of candles in the windows. You look back at your house, a little annoyed that you will have to put up your lights, but excited to show your abode off as well. You know there will be cookies and singing in your near future and seeing family and blah blah blah blah.

I'm gonna Grinch this Christmas.

I hate Christmas music. Hate it. Especially since music on the radio is going through a relapse of the late 90s so currently every song is a Christmas song remixed to have people half my age oom-boping or screeching some god awful remix that my dog could have improved on by barfing on it. So not only am I beset by audio pollution of the worst sort, everywhere I look are babies and kids. Now in general, they aren't that bad, but they are out in such number, with parents who can't control them, and they have to be hopped up on sugar or cappuccino or cocaine or SOMETHING cause they are running around SCREAMING jumping in front of my CAR like I'm some sort of hug machine and not a engine of DEATH flying through the parking lot. For some reason I thought it would be good to cut through the Toys R Us parking lot to get somewhere and spent a solid 20 minutes not hitting kids with my car. And let me tell you, after the first ten minutes not hitting them got REAL hard.
Now I recall Christmas in the past being more jovial, and I even liked shopping foolishly last minute. Now, I just want to stab everyone when I'm outside. People screeching at each other, Christmas shoppers everywhere driving like they are trying on the clothes while they are driving or SOMETHING. And everyone is more retarded then a banana. I was in J.Crew listening to 4 Asian ladies arguing about the price of nail polish and how it was priced wrong, and that they saw it for cheaper at a different mall, and that they should be given that price. A) You are retarded ladies. B) I'm pretty sure when the sales clerk pulls out the Big Book Of Prices (which they actually have and she Actually pulled out) then she knows what the hell she is talking about. and C) Why in the hell didn't you just buy the magical nail polish at the last mall you great big twit. And D) when you cut in line to yell at the cashier about your lack of sane rational and then try to check out in front of me you leave your back exposed to being stabbed by me. With a gun. Baeonnette style. The way I see it Shanking someone isn't worth it unless you incorporate a little history lesson into the mix.
But right now I write this hunkered down in a Starbucks, in the farthest back corner with another gentleman across from me who has also taken refuge from the madness while his wife also proceeds to try on every article of clothing in Anthropology at least twice. The popularity of that store amazes me, its like having glitter thrown in your eyes and then paying top dollar for it.
Fantastic, someone just brought their kids into Starbucks, big surprise. And I bet they are getting them an Espresso. Why, cause parents on Christmas suffer from a disease. That disease is being driven insane.
Another interesting part of my holiday season so far was going to see Cirque du Soleil the holiday special show. Now for anyone who has seen Cirque before, it is a magical experience with a rich plot, acrobatics, and a high quality experience for people of all ages. But as it turned out.... this was knock off Cirque. This was apparently a McDonald's production of Cirque du Soleil. Now this was in the Kennedy Center so I figured it would adhere to the Kennedy Center standard of performance....well... Let me set the stage, I had had a little too much to drink the night before, and was feeling much better by the time we went to the show. I sit down, the curtain opens and immediately a Chorus begins to sing. This was where my suspicions began. Now there were costumes and by costumes I mean there were mountains of glitter with some cloth attached to them. Now the show had some acrobatics in it, and some redeeming parts but in general it gave me the feeling I had managed get trapped inside the factory that makes the Dance Dance Revolution Machines. Many a performance involved either A) Insanely loud Christmas "style" music (again as though remixed by McDonald's or B) Music Copyrighted and stolen from the rejected tracks of the Dance Dance Revolution soundboard. So my hangover came back, and there was one crushing duet between two of the female leads that actually made me physically ill. I didn't think that was possible, but it is. When two terrible female singers sing a duet, in the same vocal range (sidenote: this means Soprano - Soprano, which is something you should never do, in a performance duet you want range, such as Soprano-Alto, so needless to say it was like singing in the shower, and the shower was a tin bathtub full of rabid wolverines). But as I said, there were redeeming qualities to it and I did enjoy myself quite a bit. There were entertaining acrobatics on bicycles, a crazy man standing on top of shifting stuff he stacked, and some very very peppy jump rope aerobics. But I think my favorite part was being there with family and joking and socializing with them, and in general being amused both by the show and by our responses to it. Good times.
Office Christmas Party. Yes. The joy of the work year where everyone gets together, drinks and is Merry. Mine. Fail. Our holiday party was at a local sport bar and so with much eagerness we left to go there for lunch. We metro to the station nearest the bar and here we hit our first snag. We had apparently reserved multiple commuter vans to shuttle people back and forth from the metro to the bar because it would otherwise have been a mile walk through the icy cold super strong windy day. Well for reasons that are still a mystery our higher ups decided that there was an absolutely crucial need for them to commandeer our vans. So you got it, we walked a mile in the super cold. Now when I say super cold, I mean this is something outside the normal realm of cold. Cold is one thing, wind is one thing, cold and windy is one thing, super cold however is where the wind is so bad it blows you into oncoming traffic where you are hit by a car and then SHATTER. THAT cold. A mile of it. Thanks high ups and your Van commandeering needs. Probably wanted to go joy riding or needed a shuttle to get them to Starbucks. But continuing, we get there, and find the following buffet food. 1) Chicken with mushroom sauce. 2) Noodles with mushroom sauce. 3) Potatoes 4) Mixed veggies (the lame frozen kind). And that was it. For our holiday party.... that was it. And here is the kicker, the potatoes weren't cooked, lord knows HOW someone can fail to even cook potatoes, but they did it, and I must say it was even worse for my one co-worker, cause he is allergic to mushrooms, so he was left with bread. Only bread. FAIL. And the last kicker I feel is that I had to eat at a pool table. It was like watching a 5 month old trying to eat. Arms way out, trying to grapple for me food cause you can't sit up against a pool table cause it doesn't have space underneath for your legs. So I sat eating, looking like a dysfunctional adult, and crunching on raw potatoes for the grand total price of, yes, 20$ a head. I should have just spent my holiday party in the can. 2 Hours round trip. Thanks office party for providing me with the quality I would have expected from my turtle catering a party.
So needless to say, I think I have not had a redeeming part to Christmas yet. I need something truly Christmas-esque, truly heart warming and full of joy to bring me into the holiday spirit, and it better happen soon or Lucy Loo Who, I'm gonna friggin burn your tree to the ground.