Well, to introduce this posting I have to give you some back story. Short story: A lot of people gave me crap about not updating my blog even though I left the link to the blog up as an away message. Long Story: Same as the short story but the same people used the 2nd anniversary of my last blog as an excuse to go drinking, so small win there. I wouldn't mind having something of mine be a holiday of sorts with drinking involved. I foster irresponsibility and I like it! But aside from that I recently got back from a vacation, though I'm not gonna say where.... *cough cough Pineapples, *cough cough Coconuts, and it made me feel that I really should spoil the mood and write a new blog.
So here it is. Ta Da!
How sad would that be if it just ended there? And for all of you who just read that and thought "Not too sad" I will find you! And make you Rue! Yes, I will make that delicious Louisiana foodstuff, and all will be merry! But to make this blog also worth reading I'm including two stories that found their way to Facebook that I had wanted to post here, and also a new story, about my vacation, at the bottom. I hope they make you smile.
Story 1: Ode to driving: So I had a crazy moment on the roadway yesterday, I'm driving along, "tired" from the festivities of the night before. Ahead of me is a pickup truck with a couple mattresses stacked in the back, and I notice this because they are not tied down and a part of me is very wary of beltway-crap-not-tied-down shenanigans. And then it happens, I look away at someone walking on the side of the street and when I look back the mattresses are no longer in the truck and with lightning fast reflexes I swerve wildly, screaming, to avoid the massive obstacles and certain destruction! Feeling my heart race as I nearly miss doom in the form of a bedspread I manage to get the car heading straight again. Now, that is what "I" saw happen. Here is what ACTUALLY happened. As I turned to look at the person on the side of the road the truck with the mattresses I had been following turned down a side street to reveal that in front of it, was another DIFFERENT pickup truck, which, no surprise, had NO mattresses in the back. So here when I looked back and didn't see mattresses I, instead of oh I don't know LOOKING, instead believed them to be bouncing towards me and swerved. I swerved to miss an invisible mattress. So everyone else in the world just saw a guy driving a jeep lose it for awhile to miss NOTHING. And the moral of this story is: Always keep your eye on the road otherwise you might risk hitting a whole lot of NOTHING. Fin'
Story 2: Squirrels: Odd event this morning. I got in my Jeep, which still had the sunroof top open from yesterday, and saw both my sun visors were down and my mirror was askew. So I think to myself "Did someone get in here and root around?" But nothing was gone and literally that was the only disturbance in the car. So I'm driving along the beltway, thinking this over in my head when I look down and see an open bag of nuts from last night sitting in my cup holder and I think "Huh, maybe it was squirrels", which would make sense if they hopped in going for the nuts and knocked the visors and mirror. Mystery solved I keep driving. And then I think, "But how did they get out? That sunroof is pretty high. Maybe it WAS someone trying to steal stuff. But that still doesn't explain the skewed rear view mirror like the squirrel solution. ....Unless... the squirrel... never made it out." And it was at this thought that I lost it. Freaking out on the beltway, hearing noises in the back of the car, imagining a squirrel making a frantic run up my head to leap for safety. Long story short made it to work without a squirrel on my face, but just in case some people in the parking garage may have seen my yelling and clapping my hands like a crazy person at an apparently empty car with the doors open for awhile.
New Story: Also known as Story 3, or possibly Story Zero, you decide:
A night in Hawaii. (okay yea I just told you where the vacation was, but it would have been weird to keep calling it *cough "insert fruit here" ...On reflection I should have phrased that better, but onward and upward!
So let me set the scene, when you arrive in Hawaii you are effectively traveling back in time, almost like using a Delorean, but more like an airplane but probably about the same amount of leg room and available movies (not a Fan of United Airlines. For being called United it is apparently sized for Pygmies or for shipping children around and they charge for everything. NO ONE should have to PAY to watch "Horrible Bosses 2". NO ONE!) So you arrive and you have traveled back, in our case, six hours. Now EVERYONE is losing time, so when you are going to bed you want to sleep at 4 in the afternoon and you want to wake up at 2 in the morning. Jet Lag. It Happens. TO EVERYONE. And if you think it doesn't happen to you then you are an insomniac or possibly a Pygmie and flying United is awesome for you and you really like the movie Horrible Bosses 1 and couldn't wait for the sequel. Fail YOU. But that is your cross to bear.
But for this story to work you have to understand, you get there, you are tired, yet you will wake up in the middle of the night at the drop of a hat because your body wants to. And the place is STRANGE. The big Island is NOT like the bikini clad tropical oasis of the movies. The Big Island has different tropical zones which consist of 1) Tropical Oasis with people throwing Coconuts with Straws at you, 2) Lava Pits, and 3) Jurassic Park Horror Story. I don't name it, I just read what's on the sign. So our resort was in what I lovingly call 3) Jurrasic Park Horror Story. Now don't get me wrong, the Resort is gorgeous, but it is built on an old Lava flow and everything there is planted, so if you look out past the hotel resort wall it turns into a wasteland of broken rock and twisted trees where in the Mind's Eye the sounds of wolf howls, breaking underbrush, and the roar of wild beasts permeate the night air. Or at least it might to someone who just got off a 12 hour flight, has had minimal sleep, and who just watched Horrible Bosses 2 for the third time. So this is the setting for these scene. Remember it.
Now our first day there was great, we woke up nice and early, got massages in Tiki Huts suspended over Koi Ponds, had a delightful Brunch, took a lengthy walk along the beach, had a delicious Sushi Diner with Saki, swam, snorkeled, saw a rainbow, Pet a Unicorn yada yada yada NOW, fast forward to that night. It had been a glorious day and I fell into a fitful sleep with no worries on my mind and a bit of an Alcohol Buzz going. And then, some of you may know where this is going if you read back over the day's events, and no I did not get woken by an angry Unicorn (that was Day 2), ..and then, I woke up. My tummy a Grumblin. Well to say 'A Grumblin' gives the impression of Keebler elves making a slightly kookie batch of cookies (for a play on words). It was more like that Unicorn had kicked me in the sack. My stomach HURT. I woke up more than a little unhappy. You guessed it. Food Poisoning. And so, I made haste, to the little boys room to make some very grown up sounds.
Now remember the scene I set up for you at the beginning? Jurrasic Park scary landscape just arrived on a plane tired but can't sleep? Now image that, but I will add a detail. This was a very kid friendly resort. So, there were kids in all the neighboring rooms who were tired, but likely awake, and likely a little freaked out never having been to Hawaii and finding it to be a mysterious rocky land. And then, at the wee hours of the morning, being the only ones awake cause mom and dad took their sleep pills, they start to hear screaming. Or as I like to call it, "The Call of the Dinosaur". Needless to say the noises I made were at best, unholy, and at worst along the lines of a Mongoose possessed by the Devil. I can just imagine the kids huddled under their blankets wondering what in the HELL was making that noise in this Jurrasic wasteland and then just when they get up enough courage to go wake mom and dad and ask..... the noise stops (at the point round 1 was over for me). And so no one believes them when they say what they heard. "Get Back to bed you rap scallion!" their parents yell, because their parents are apparently 75 and not up on modern terminology and lingo. And so the child goes back to bed....and I get up again. And the screech emanates again through the halls as the vicious Raptor takes down it's prey, obviously someone who was just out for a walk (man these kids in my imagination have vivid imaginations!) And so these kids go running again to their parents seeking aid only for the silence to occur again! "Off with Ye!" the adults cry (now apparently turned into pirates) and the child must again return to bed, eyes wide with fright, as they wait to hear more, but all they hear the rest of the night (Meg went and got me some Immodium, thank God for that all night Hotel Manager) is the tossing, turning and ill fevered grunting coming from...somewhere in the night!
Needless to say my first night did not go so well, but I take small solace in the fact that I probably scared the poop out of some people's kids I will never meet. Welcome to Hawaii, now KNOW FEAR! They're parents will thank me later when their kids abscond from all future beach vacations saving them thousands. And that was how I set the bar nice and low in Hawaii, and it was all uphill from there.
Hope you all enjoyed this blog I will try to keep it regular like Bran Muffins.
Fin! (see it ended on A Hawaii Pun. Get it? Snorkeling? Fin? Okay I may have gotten too much sun....)
Wednesday, April 8, 2015
Monday, April 1, 2013
Me and Yoga
Today I found myself sitting on the couch, wondering what to do, when the lovely lady in my life asked me, "Will you come to Yoga with me?" Well, let me tell you, it has been awhile. But I think to myself, I can do that. I am, while not flexible, am at least capable of some modicum of physical activity that should allow me to participate successfully in yoga. As it turned out I was wrong.
Yoga.... is not something my body was built to do. As I stood there, following the movements of the instructor I found myself looking around and marveling at how fluid everyone moved, and how poised everyone was, and thought to myself "Fantastic, this must be what I look like!" This, of course, was because I was looking at the mirror directly in front of me. Then I noticed the mirror to my side. I think the nicest way to say it, is that I looked like a hunchback trying to hump the floor. There is something seriously wrong with my body for it to look like that. Like... seriously wrong. Like dropped as a child wrong.
I first noticed this during a move called "plank" where you hold a pushup pose and make you back as straight as possible. I, for whatever reason I know not, cannot make my back straight. The best I can manage is something approaching an old English double S. Needless to say it makes me look like a swaybacked horse.
There are few things more embarrassing than biting back a scream in yoga. People around you do it so flawlessly, and I stand there, shaking in an attempt to get one leg straight. They say you can use a block if you have trouble reaching certain positions. I used the block, stood on end.... on another block. When I was informed that when you sit and reach your toes that you need to have a straight back, I found myself actually leaning backwards a little bit. Yes, it may look like I am just not trying, but essentially standing still is me stretching to my full capacity. I mean, in this class I worked up a sweat. Not like an "Oh ho, a jolly good stretch" sweat, I mean like "Holy crap that bear just doesn't give up chasing me, maybe I should play dead." sweat. An it really starts to go downhill when you hit that point where your muscles have had enough. I mean when you are lifting weights and your body says "oh no, we can't lift this anymore" you both A) feel good about your efforts and B) go to a lighter weight. When you are doing Yoga and your body decides on its own that it has had enough you A) Feel like a fatty fat fat, and B) Can't go down in weight because you ARE the weight, and promptly fall over.
Now I don't know why I am not flexible, to the best of my knowledge no one in my family is flexible. Perhaps it is genetic, but its so bad it is as though everyone in my family has never attempted to reach their toes in generations, as though my mere attempt now is like planning a trip to the moon. And no, I cannot reach my toes. I might, with some practice and determination, be able to reach my toes with a yard stick, a yard stick held by someone else.
I think my personal low moment came near the end of the event. There is a pose, called child's pose, where you sit back on your knees and bend forward to place your forehead delicately onto the mat. This is what is SUPPOSED to happen. There are apparently 2 flaws in my plan while attempting this. 1) I am out of energy. Some of the other stuff we did has apparently greatly taxed my body, which surprised me as I have honed it with hours of working out standing and sitting in my office chair and working the swivel option till I am dizzy. Solid workouts! So as I said, there is not more energy in my core. and 2) I am apparently not flexible to hold that pose. That's right ladies an gentlemen, I am not flexible enough to literally sit on my ass. So when I go to delicately place my forehead on the ground, the combination of no muscle strength combined with my body's inflexibility turns me in to something approaching a reverse catapult with my head and the throwing stone. I cantilever my body into the ground like some Frat boy passing out after collapsing and drinking too much and only at the last moment have the presence of mind to turn my head so I don't break my nose. Well, after achieving this sad position, which I must admit was still wrong with my ass in the air, I decided to hold it in the vain attempt that it looked like I knew what I was doing. But then of course I look at the teaching instructor and I am still at a loss as to weather it was honest confusion or pity I saw in her eyes.
The only saving grace to this entire experience was that it was in the dark. Or so I thought until everyones eyes merely ADJUSTED TO THE DARK and I had to wonder if they thought there was something wrong with me.
Well, as I sit here writing this I must tell you that I do not feel jingle jumpy spritely as so many often do after yoga. I feel like crap. I tried unloading the dishwasher and nearly fell in, and can only that the gods that my wife was looking the other way when I nearly escaped self imposed death on the clean cutlery. Fail yoga, fail. But I will likely return because even though I might quite possibly be descended from a stick I hold out that I may one day be flexible. But when I sit indian style I look a bit more like a taco than an indian, so my hopes aren't exactly all that high.
Why is it my dog is more flexible than I am? (this is both a reference to the fact that I cannot do the "downward dog" yoga pose AT ALL, and to the fact that yes, my dog is weirdly flexible)
Thursday, December 1, 2011
How to be a Fist Pumping, High Fiving, Son of a B.
The title doesn't have anything to do with this blog, I just really want someone to come up to me one day and call me that. You Fist Pumping, High Fiving, Son of a B. It'd make me feel classy. Well Christmas is upon us. That time of year when people will have already purchased their Christmas gifts because they start advertising in September, and they will break out their lights and do death defying maneuvers from ladders to place them in a hap hazard way across their roofs. That time when children get out of school and a large part of the government takes off for the holiday and those left to commute on the road give in to their deepest desire to pretend that the DC Beltway is instead the Autobahn where they drive well over a hundred miles an hour in a desperate attempt to get their car on two wheels while cutting another two minutes off their commute. That time of year when people hope and pray for snow but sit outside enjoying their choice of either A) bright sunshine and a lot of very confused insects b)rain c)frigid cold with no snow d)fog (no idea why this is the case) or e)more rain. This is that time of year when people try to determine that one thing their life cannot continue without, that one item that would take their lives from being a droll miscreant prowling the night streets to one of glory and highfives all around, only to be rewarded, as every year, with a gift card to a place you may or may not have access too.
I must say, I love slash viciously loath the idea of gift cards. I mean, a gift is supposed to give someone something they didn't know they wanted or needed, but is spot on none the less. But now, in our age of technology and online shopping people believe that if you can't give perfect, let them get it themselves. Which has, consequently, boiled down to just "let them get it themselves". I mean, no one ever opens up a giftwrapped package to find a gift card and thinks "yes! this is exactly what I wanted! Not money! Not a gift! But money and gift in-Potentia rolled into one! Huzza I say inside my head, Huzza!" I mean, offering people gift cards is like the worlds cop out. It says "I remembered you enough to send you something that didn't break the bank, but not enough about you to have ANY IDEA what to get you. PS. I don't send money in the mail." It is a shame.
And building on that, 99% of the fun of the holidays is wrapping paper. It has gotten to the point where everyone gets themselves their own gifts, so that essentially I buy you a gift card so you buy a gift, and you give me a gift card so I buy myself a gift, but wouldn't it make sense to just go buy myself whatever I wanted in the first place and save time? Is it a game to see who can get more money out of the deal? I think the eventual evolution of the White Elephant party (where everyone brings a gift to trade and steal and trade) is that everyone brings an Amazon gift card. But how can you tear into the wrapping paper of a gift card. How do you even disguise that?! Oh Gee, I wonder what THIS is. Maybe you just buy them a book where it is the bookmark inside. But no, wait, its okay cause we make the Gift Cards festive with snow flakes and reindeer pictures and crap on them. No, no that doesn't work. Its still a gift card. I'll grant you if you gave someone a giftcard in a big box that might be a pretty sweet gift. Like if you put a 200$ gift card in a refrigerator box so they tear into that shit all confused and excited like a boy on prom night, and then they get through the wrapping and box only to see the card, then they are disappointed, again like a boy on prom night, and then the open up the wrapping on the card (like a second mini present for unwrapping) and see it is 200$ and back to being excited. That I could respect, but you'd only get to do it once, unless someone wasn't very bright or had a short memory then you could do it for all major holidays saving that you had a strangely large supply of refrigerator boxes.
I'll tell you the one thing I AM looking forward to is the Christmas music. No, not the jolly Carolers or the Religious tunes coming from the Churches. I'm looking forward to the craptastic Christmas remix songs on the radio. You know the ones. They have a strange beat to them with a synth voice undulating about something sexual while referencing Christmas items. Something with lyrics like "Candy Cane... something something...Santa Clause.... something something.... sex under the Christmas Tree" all to a thumping Bass beat. Yea. I love those songs cause its like a musical comedy show plus a train wreck for my ears. I have to wonder if there are people out there who specialize in those songs. It would be like the people who have to edit pornography, or people who do voice overs for Japanese Sex Cartoons. Bottom of the barrel jobs that someone has to do, and it creates a product that just makes me raise an eyebrow in subtle confusion at the outcome. I actually thought that has to be the single worst job EVER being a Hentai (Japanese Sex Cartoon) voice over actor. I mean, really, what do you put on your resume?? How in the world do you word that so it comes across as something you could improve upon? I feel like that is even a step below being a voice over actor for European Porn, which also must be an absolutely terrible job. I mean if there is ever a job where a translation has to go seriously wrong, or be very very confusing as a direct translation it has to be those two. I mean, what if something translates to "slap the tiger and eat the balloon doll"? Just a tangent thought on that. How did I get there from Christmas Music again? Oh yea, Christmas remix music is slutty. Ha!
But anyway, Christmas is within the month and I am excited, and I intend to not die on a ladder putting up Christmas lights, and will enjoy when everyone in the neighborhood puts up those creepy inflatable Santas and snowmen, because, you know, that's what Christmas is all about. Inflatable snow men over real snow men.
This is a link for something I find very cool:
http://primaxstudio.com/stuff/scale_of_universe/
and if you don't like it then too bad.
PS. I hope to give this to my Nephews for Christmas. Why? Cause it 1)Takes up a lot of room, a true sign of an awesome gift, 2)You can get INSIDE it, and 3)Because it is a Friggin SPACE SHIP. Seriously! It even comes with Water for while you are in SPACE! Woooo!
I must say, I love slash viciously loath the idea of gift cards. I mean, a gift is supposed to give someone something they didn't know they wanted or needed, but is spot on none the less. But now, in our age of technology and online shopping people believe that if you can't give perfect, let them get it themselves. Which has, consequently, boiled down to just "let them get it themselves". I mean, no one ever opens up a giftwrapped package to find a gift card and thinks "yes! this is exactly what I wanted! Not money! Not a gift! But money and gift in-Potentia rolled into one! Huzza I say inside my head, Huzza!" I mean, offering people gift cards is like the worlds cop out. It says "I remembered you enough to send you something that didn't break the bank, but not enough about you to have ANY IDEA what to get you. PS. I don't send money in the mail." It is a shame.
And building on that, 99% of the fun of the holidays is wrapping paper. It has gotten to the point where everyone gets themselves their own gifts, so that essentially I buy you a gift card so you buy a gift, and you give me a gift card so I buy myself a gift, but wouldn't it make sense to just go buy myself whatever I wanted in the first place and save time? Is it a game to see who can get more money out of the deal? I think the eventual evolution of the White Elephant party (where everyone brings a gift to trade and steal and trade) is that everyone brings an Amazon gift card. But how can you tear into the wrapping paper of a gift card. How do you even disguise that?! Oh Gee, I wonder what THIS is. Maybe you just buy them a book where it is the bookmark inside. But no, wait, its okay cause we make the Gift Cards festive with snow flakes and reindeer pictures and crap on them. No, no that doesn't work. Its still a gift card. I'll grant you if you gave someone a giftcard in a big box that might be a pretty sweet gift. Like if you put a 200$ gift card in a refrigerator box so they tear into that shit all confused and excited like a boy on prom night, and then they get through the wrapping and box only to see the card, then they are disappointed, again like a boy on prom night, and then the open up the wrapping on the card (like a second mini present for unwrapping) and see it is 200$ and back to being excited. That I could respect, but you'd only get to do it once, unless someone wasn't very bright or had a short memory then you could do it for all major holidays saving that you had a strangely large supply of refrigerator boxes.
I'll tell you the one thing I AM looking forward to is the Christmas music. No, not the jolly Carolers or the Religious tunes coming from the Churches. I'm looking forward to the craptastic Christmas remix songs on the radio. You know the ones. They have a strange beat to them with a synth voice undulating about something sexual while referencing Christmas items. Something with lyrics like "Candy Cane... something something...Santa Clause.... something something.... sex under the Christmas Tree" all to a thumping Bass beat. Yea. I love those songs cause its like a musical comedy show plus a train wreck for my ears. I have to wonder if there are people out there who specialize in those songs. It would be like the people who have to edit pornography, or people who do voice overs for Japanese Sex Cartoons. Bottom of the barrel jobs that someone has to do, and it creates a product that just makes me raise an eyebrow in subtle confusion at the outcome. I actually thought that has to be the single worst job EVER being a Hentai (Japanese Sex Cartoon) voice over actor. I mean, really, what do you put on your resume?? How in the world do you word that so it comes across as something you could improve upon? I feel like that is even a step below being a voice over actor for European Porn, which also must be an absolutely terrible job. I mean if there is ever a job where a translation has to go seriously wrong, or be very very confusing as a direct translation it has to be those two. I mean, what if something translates to "slap the tiger and eat the balloon doll"? Just a tangent thought on that. How did I get there from Christmas Music again? Oh yea, Christmas remix music is slutty. Ha!
But anyway, Christmas is within the month and I am excited, and I intend to not die on a ladder putting up Christmas lights, and will enjoy when everyone in the neighborhood puts up those creepy inflatable Santas and snowmen, because, you know, that's what Christmas is all about. Inflatable snow men over real snow men.
This is a link for something I find very cool:
http://primaxstudio.com/stuff/scale_of_universe/
and if you don't like it then too bad.
PS. I hope to give this to my Nephews for Christmas. Why? Cause it 1)Takes up a lot of room, a true sign of an awesome gift, 2)You can get INSIDE it, and 3)Because it is a Friggin SPACE SHIP. Seriously! It even comes with Water for while you are in SPACE! Woooo!
Friday, November 4, 2011
Halloween Shenanigans
Oh Halloween. The greatest holiday of the season, though I have to express my extreme disappointment that I didn't dress up this year. Well, I sort of dressed up ON Halloween. The wife and I got all gussied up for the trick-o-treaters, and I put out the decorations and we had the big basket of candy. We even Dressed up the DOG. Yes, the DOG had a costume. We spent a good 10 minutes before the fun started haggling with each other about how much candy to give each kid so that we wouldn't run out. Turns out the correct answer would have been HALF THE CANDY. That is right, we had TWO kids come to our door. FAIL FAIRFAX! FAIL!
What the crap, do kids not trick or treat anymore?! As I later found out, it appears that your modern texting-phone picture taking-video game playin-pop culture obsessed kids NOW trick or treat at.... are you ready for it? The MALL. They Trick Or Treat and the F-ING MALL! What, do they go door to door getting small articles of clothing, coupons, and possibly the odd but slightly relevant gift like Bananas from the Banana Republic?? What the CRAP. Yea, I know it is "Safer" and stuff, but Halloween is all about being scared shitless, even if it is by your creepy neighbors trying to give you suspect candy. That is why you have PARENTS who go through your candy to pull out all the razor-blades, nails and used condoms. The riveting door to door salesmanship of it is what makes trick or treating so exciting and dare devilish. I blame the parents, the lazy lazy parents who just want to go turn their kids loose in a MALL! and not have to worry about them.
I miss the good old days where kids would spend the day BEFORE Halloween trying to find the biggest portable container possible so that they could collect the crap out of candy. You'd see some kid towing a 32 gallon trashcan down the street door to door filling it with candy, and you'd think "why didn't I think of that, all I have is Pillow Case for a Body Pillow that i'm dragging around, and it doesn't even have convenient wheels like that kid's trashcan does". Yes, THAT is how it used to be, now kids are walking around a MALL, probably texting each other while service people at each store who don't want to be there drop a pre-requisite amount of mall stock candy into each glitter coated Hannah Montana Halloween Bag using some sort of candy distribution equivalent of a Wine Tasting spout. Sadness.
And people used to make their own costumes too. I wander through Party City and yea, all the adults can look like sluts, wooo yea and all that crap, BUT all the KIDS look like SLUTS TOO! Each and every dirty whore costume for the adults has an equally slutty and utterly baffling equivalent in the kids section. You want a scanky little miss Muffet or Strawberry Shortcake? How about an scandalously inappropriate Native American Indian? I know, lets go with the super low cut dress of a prison inmate! (You know, just like real prison!) Makes me understand why everyone goes to the mall cause all the Pedophiles out there would LOSE THEIR MIND. But it IS disturbing! Back in the day those costumes were just grouped under one category, prostitute. And kids weren't allowed to wear it. Oh modern society, you have taken Halloween, made it un-scary and full of fun for kids of all ages, and then you took away the fun, and made it scary again but in a very weird slutty way.
Anyway! I had a good/devastating Halloween. I went with some friends and the wife down to Williamsburg for Bush Garden's "Scare-o-Thon" or whatever it was called. Now let me describe a few things to you (also, this was why I didn't really dress up this Halloween cause I spent the entirety of it in an amusement park). Now the amusement park up till about 6:00 was your run of the mill place with people riding rides and crap like that. One hurdle with this is that it was raining a bit (nothing much, and basically ignored) but other hurdle was that they closed some of the rides cause it was "Too Cold". That's a thing?? They can be like "Sorry, it is too cold outside right now for this ride to run" which makes no sense cause I don't think science comes into play anywhere, the ride should still work. Maybe the person with the brake has slowed reactions and they worry about that? I dunno. So we rode the "Loch-Ness-Monster" ride about 8 times, and fun was had.
The other slightly odd thing was that we went to this one food hall for lunch and watched (now keep in mind this is an Amusement Park. For KIDS
What the crap, do kids not trick or treat anymore?! As I later found out, it appears that your modern texting-phone picture taking-video game playin-pop culture obsessed kids NOW trick or treat at.... are you ready for it? The MALL. They Trick Or Treat and the F-ING MALL! What, do they go door to door getting small articles of clothing, coupons, and possibly the odd but slightly relevant gift like Bananas from the Banana Republic?? What the CRAP. Yea, I know it is "Safer" and stuff, but Halloween is all about being scared shitless, even if it is by your creepy neighbors trying to give you suspect candy. That is why you have PARENTS who go through your candy to pull out all the razor-blades, nails and used condoms. The riveting door to door salesmanship of it is what makes trick or treating so exciting and dare devilish. I blame the parents, the lazy lazy parents who just want to go turn their kids loose in a MALL! and not have to worry about them.
I miss the good old days where kids would spend the day BEFORE Halloween trying to find the biggest portable container possible so that they could collect the crap out of candy. You'd see some kid towing a 32 gallon trashcan down the street door to door filling it with candy, and you'd think "why didn't I think of that, all I have is Pillow Case for a Body Pillow that i'm dragging around, and it doesn't even have convenient wheels like that kid's trashcan does". Yes, THAT is how it used to be, now kids are walking around a MALL, probably texting each other while service people at each store who don't want to be there drop a pre-requisite amount of mall stock candy into each glitter coated Hannah Montana Halloween Bag using some sort of candy distribution equivalent of a Wine Tasting spout. Sadness.
And people used to make their own costumes too. I wander through Party City and yea, all the adults can look like sluts, wooo yea and all that crap, BUT all the KIDS look like SLUTS TOO! Each and every dirty whore costume for the adults has an equally slutty and utterly baffling equivalent in the kids section. You want a scanky little miss Muffet or Strawberry Shortcake? How about an scandalously inappropriate Native American Indian? I know, lets go with the super low cut dress of a prison inmate! (You know, just like real prison!) Makes me understand why everyone goes to the mall cause all the Pedophiles out there would LOSE THEIR MIND. But it IS disturbing! Back in the day those costumes were just grouped under one category, prostitute. And kids weren't allowed to wear it. Oh modern society, you have taken Halloween, made it un-scary and full of fun for kids of all ages, and then you took away the fun, and made it scary again but in a very weird slutty way.
Anyway! I had a good/devastating Halloween. I went with some friends and the wife down to Williamsburg for Bush Garden's "Scare-o-Thon" or whatever it was called. Now let me describe a few things to you (also, this was why I didn't really dress up this Halloween cause I spent the entirety of it in an amusement park). Now the amusement park up till about 6:00 was your run of the mill place with people riding rides and crap like that. One hurdle with this is that it was raining a bit (nothing much, and basically ignored) but other hurdle was that they closed some of the rides cause it was "Too Cold". That's a thing?? They can be like "Sorry, it is too cold outside right now for this ride to run" which makes no sense cause I don't think science comes into play anywhere, the ride should still work. Maybe the person with the brake has slowed reactions and they worry about that? I dunno. So we rode the "Loch-Ness-Monster" ride about 8 times, and fun was had.
The other slightly odd thing was that we went to this one food hall for lunch and watched (now keep in mind this is an Amusement Park. For KIDS
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Short but Sweet
So there I was walking into the coffee shop. It was crowded with about 10 men trying to not make eye contact and keep out of each others way in the tiny concession store when "Let's Go All The Way Tonight" comes onto the radio. Now I hate this song cause in addition to it sucking dick, it talks all about sucking dick, and appears to be geared towards high schoolers with lines like "We may be teens but put it in my poo-nan-er" (creative recreation). So it was feeling a little more awkward. But I manage to get my coffee and turn towards the condiments section with creamers and sugar. Now, for a bit of back story, I used to be a sugar toothed glutton and would put 2, yes TWO whole packets of Splenda in my coffee, but have since cut back to one. Cause, you know, I'm watching my weight with imaginary sugar. Any who, so I turn to get my sugar and creamer and stand there, slightly in awe, slightly in horror at the sight before my eyes. With the music pumping the lyrics "Lets go all the way tonight" this guy is putting Splenda packet after Spelnda packet into his coffee, opening each one and dumping it in time with the music. I sat there and counted in the vicinity of 15 packets of sweetener he placed in his coffee, at which point he shuffled a bit out of the way so I could jump in and grab a creamer. Then once I capped my coffee and turned around I spotted him a little way down the work area putting still MORE sweetener packets in his coffee, all the while the music is blaring in the uncomfortable background. I started to wonder if he has OCD or something. And all I could think was, "He is going all the way. Stay strong man, stay strong. Don't ever let anyone tell you that's too much Splenda for your coffee, cause they're just wrong." F-ing ridiculous. I have never actually thought the phrase "Would you like some coffee with your sugar" and meant it before, but that was just ridiculous. And so now I sit here enjoying my one Splenda packet and wondering if somewhere out there, that guy is having his well earned heart attack slash Diabetic Coma. Stay strong sir, stay strong.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Hurricanes, EarthQuakes and Bears Oh My!
Well I see that everyone survived the Earthquake/Hurricane nature combo without much ado. I love seeing people panic before a storm. As though buying bread and water will somehow save them. I just once want to see some guy who has stemmed the flow of flood waters into his home with a wall of bread loafs. To that I would say bravo. I like to confuse people when preparing for a storm. Go into the grocery store and buy all the items that just require you to "just add water". Actually that sounds rather logical, scratch that.
I was very excited about the hurricane though cause of all the hubbub. I was fully expecting some torrential downpour that I would have to essentially ride my dining room table to safety. But no such luck. My only real preparation for the storm was cleaning the gutters *hooray!*. But not really. Cleaning gutters sucks, there is a reason people pay other people to clean their gutters. But I got all snuggled up waiting for the storm, Meg asked me if I had brought the lawn furniture in to which I replied "Hell no." cause it is too stable, and frankly I didn't think we'd get much wind. So there I am all snuggled up, waiting for the storm. My goal was to make it to midnight. Nothing fancy, but I figured the fireworks would start by that point. But since NOTHING was happening I decided to go get a pizza which I promptly ate and fell asleep on top of.
So I wake up the next day and come downstairs like it's Christmas and I'm expecting presents (though I don't know why). But I get to the family room where I can look into the back yard or out to the road. Now remember that lawn furniture I didn't want to bother with?
The flipping Hurricane TIDIED IT UP!
So I'm sitting there laughing about this when I turn and see this out the other window.
That sissy rainstorm actually took down half my tree and dropped it square on the spot I park my jeep.
.... or WOULD have parked it. Remember how I went and got Pizza at midnight for shits and giggles? Papa Johns done saved my Jeep cause I parked it about 10 feet forward of where I usually do and it missed it by about a foot.
Swing and a miss nature, swing and a miss.
So needless to say I wasn't too impressed with the weather shenanigans overall, but I LOVED the idiotic way the media handles it. Aside from the picture of people who looked like they were lunging at the cameraman screaming during the earthquake (which I still don't understand how they got cause the Earthquake lasted all of 10 seconds. The person must have bolted for their camera apparently. I call shenanigans!) the best I saw was while I was watching the TV at the gym on mute some news lady, in a creepily dramatic way, pantomiming an earthquake using a Jenga Puzzle as her focus point. Now it might be me but here are some observations 1) Jenga puzzles, unlike buildings, are SUPPOSED to fall over. 2) The earthquake didn't start taking pieces out of buildings in a challenging way, and 3) You don't play Jenga by slapping it to knock it over, we call that cheating or just plain being a moron. I have to wonder what king of budget they gave her. Were they like "you can either have the Jenga Puzzle or the monopoly board" cause apparently all activities in our nations capital can be symbolized using board games.
Oh DC Weather how you do not impress me.
I was very excited about the hurricane though cause of all the hubbub. I was fully expecting some torrential downpour that I would have to essentially ride my dining room table to safety. But no such luck. My only real preparation for the storm was cleaning the gutters *hooray!*. But not really. Cleaning gutters sucks, there is a reason people pay other people to clean their gutters. But I got all snuggled up waiting for the storm, Meg asked me if I had brought the lawn furniture in to which I replied "Hell no." cause it is too stable, and frankly I didn't think we'd get much wind. So there I am all snuggled up, waiting for the storm. My goal was to make it to midnight. Nothing fancy, but I figured the fireworks would start by that point. But since NOTHING was happening I decided to go get a pizza which I promptly ate and fell asleep on top of.
So I wake up the next day and come downstairs like it's Christmas and I'm expecting presents (though I don't know why). But I get to the family room where I can look into the back yard or out to the road. Now remember that lawn furniture I didn't want to bother with?
The flipping Hurricane TIDIED IT UP!
So I'm sitting there laughing about this when I turn and see this out the other window.
That sissy rainstorm actually took down half my tree and dropped it square on the spot I park my jeep.
.... or WOULD have parked it. Remember how I went and got Pizza at midnight for shits and giggles? Papa Johns done saved my Jeep cause I parked it about 10 feet forward of where I usually do and it missed it by about a foot.
Swing and a miss nature, swing and a miss.
So needless to say I wasn't too impressed with the weather shenanigans overall, but I LOVED the idiotic way the media handles it. Aside from the picture of people who looked like they were lunging at the cameraman screaming during the earthquake (which I still don't understand how they got cause the Earthquake lasted all of 10 seconds. The person must have bolted for their camera apparently. I call shenanigans!) the best I saw was while I was watching the TV at the gym on mute some news lady, in a creepily dramatic way, pantomiming an earthquake using a Jenga Puzzle as her focus point. Now it might be me but here are some observations 1) Jenga puzzles, unlike buildings, are SUPPOSED to fall over. 2) The earthquake didn't start taking pieces out of buildings in a challenging way, and 3) You don't play Jenga by slapping it to knock it over, we call that cheating or just plain being a moron. I have to wonder what king of budget they gave her. Were they like "you can either have the Jenga Puzzle or the monopoly board" cause apparently all activities in our nations capital can be symbolized using board games.
Oh DC Weather how you do not impress me.
Friday, June 24, 2011
06/24/2011: Da Jeep
Man I wished I got paid for this blog cause people keep telling me to update it. To be fair I've been busy, I mean do you grasp how long it takes to make a perfectly person shaped dent in a couch? Or the sheer commitment required to see how many times a refrigerator door can be opened and closed in a day? And I do NOT need to tell you that the world will be a much better place when my extensive research on the effects of alcohol on video game playing capability is complete. But I digress, busy or not, here we go.
The last few months have been rather entertaining I must admit. Last I had blogged I believe I was slugging along for the most part, work, sleep, eat and so forth. Kind of a rut, which I feel has to one degree or another been broken by a rather unexpected event. My not-birthday. Now I say it like this for a reason which will be revealed in my riveting rendition of what occur ed and the back story required with it.
Well wife Meg had gotten a part time job working for a real estate agent so that she could be considered to be working "in Alexandria" for a scholarship application. I know, we're sneaky AND classy at the same time. Needless to say the informs me that she has to go in for a follow up interview for the job, and wants to take my car instead of hers cause she's gonna hit up a yard sale on the way. Me thinking nothing of it shrug it off and give her my keys. Now things started to raise a few flags when she gives me the old "Ugh, you're car is so dirty lets get it detailed. i don't wanna give a bad impression at this interview." Now this seems reasonably legit, though why everyone would leave the interview to oggle my car I have no idea, but hey, what do I know about selling real estate. So she leaves and I do my thing, and research partner Joe comes over to help me with my alcohol and video game research when Meg gets home. And she is all like "There is this crazy thing outside". So I'm like "Cool, what is it?". Meg: "I can't really explain it, you need to come outside." Me: "Um, how about you try to explain it cause I'm busy bettering the world right now." Meg: "No, seriously, I can't explain it, there are like no words. You will be impressed and agree." Me: "No, seriously I don't think I can stand up right now. I'm a six pack deep on research right now and even if it is impressive whatever it is I will probably see two" Meg: " Get up and come outside" Me: "Fine!" *Falls over*
Needless to say we make it outside and she wanders me and Joe over to the gym which is behind a big fence, where there is a big Yellow Jeep with a big red bow on it and balloons. She then starts blowing one of those noise maker things and saying happy birthday. It is about this time that I think my wife has fallen off the wagon cause A) My birthday is 6 months away, so she is either doing something really weird or really needs to start using a calendar, and B) where the hell is my car.
But as it turns out, woman done stole my car, sold it, and bought me a Jeep. Bravo Meg. (Side Story, Meg and I have something of an unofficial competition going on to see who can surprise the other the most for their birthday (side side note: I don't think she knows this, this is kind of what I think though)) so we have each done the surprise birthday party thing for each other but now she holds the title for not only getting me a car (everyone should get a car with a bow on it at some point) but also giving it to me 6 months away from my birthday. I think next year I'm gonna need to up my game and chloroform her so she wakes up in Spain. If we continue like this by her 33 birthday I'm gonna have drugged her for 9 months so she wakes up with a baby. We're classy people, what can I say.
But it is amazing getting this car, cause I'm the kind of person who was raised to never really get anything for themselves. The mentality I was given is "If you have a functional *insert thing here* (that's what she said) then you don't need a new one" Which is rather a terrible way to live one's life. I would NEVER have gotten this for myself. You should always factor that personal happiness has its own monetary value. In short, does saving the money not buying version 2.1 of whatever it is you only have version 1 of make up for the lack of happiness you feel? It also helps that a couple of our Friends work at the dealership so it worked out very well without breaking the bank.
So now I have a yellow jeep, and where before I would drive down the road and people would honk, and cut me off, and be generally insane and lower my sense of awesome, now I just smile, and stare up at the sky with the top down on the Jeep and wave at all the other jeeps I see. Note: I'm not weird and creepy, Jeep Wrangler people do this. It's sort of like a wave saying "Go you, you also got a Jeep. Have a great day!" Kind of a nice pick me up. Except about day 2 I had the jeep I passed a Jeep convention that was just letting our and waived at about 50 people. My arms were tired. ....(That's what she said). Man I overuse that ....(That's what... okay I'm done now.)
Funny Patents:
This one just looks a bit wrong:
http://www.google.com/patents?id=vJ_HAAAAEBAJ&printsec=abstract#v=onepage&q&f=false
Cause sometimes you're in the shower and just need to blow your nose. This defies the laws of science!
http://www.google.com/patents?id=ri2DAAAAEBAJ&printsec=abstract#v=onepage&q&f=false
This is the best one I have seen in a LOOOONG time. It is exactly what the title says it is, and look through the pictures to see it in action.
http://www.google.com/patents?id=v8OYAAAAEBAJ&printsec=abstract#v=onepage&q&f=false
The last few months have been rather entertaining I must admit. Last I had blogged I believe I was slugging along for the most part, work, sleep, eat and so forth. Kind of a rut, which I feel has to one degree or another been broken by a rather unexpected event. My not-birthday. Now I say it like this for a reason which will be revealed in my riveting rendition of what occur ed and the back story required with it.
Well wife Meg had gotten a part time job working for a real estate agent so that she could be considered to be working "in Alexandria" for a scholarship application. I know, we're sneaky AND classy at the same time. Needless to say the informs me that she has to go in for a follow up interview for the job, and wants to take my car instead of hers cause she's gonna hit up a yard sale on the way. Me thinking nothing of it shrug it off and give her my keys. Now things started to raise a few flags when she gives me the old "Ugh, you're car is so dirty lets get it detailed. i don't wanna give a bad impression at this interview." Now this seems reasonably legit, though why everyone would leave the interview to oggle my car I have no idea, but hey, what do I know about selling real estate. So she leaves and I do my thing, and research partner Joe comes over to help me with my alcohol and video game research when Meg gets home. And she is all like "There is this crazy thing outside". So I'm like "Cool, what is it?". Meg: "I can't really explain it, you need to come outside." Me: "Um, how about you try to explain it cause I'm busy bettering the world right now." Meg: "No, seriously, I can't explain it, there are like no words. You will be impressed and agree." Me: "No, seriously I don't think I can stand up right now. I'm a six pack deep on research right now and even if it is impressive whatever it is I will probably see two" Meg: " Get up and come outside" Me: "Fine!" *Falls over*
Needless to say we make it outside and she wanders me and Joe over to the gym which is behind a big fence, where there is a big Yellow Jeep with a big red bow on it and balloons. She then starts blowing one of those noise maker things and saying happy birthday. It is about this time that I think my wife has fallen off the wagon cause A) My birthday is 6 months away, so she is either doing something really weird or really needs to start using a calendar, and B) where the hell is my car.
But as it turns out, woman done stole my car, sold it, and bought me a Jeep. Bravo Meg. (Side Story, Meg and I have something of an unofficial competition going on to see who can surprise the other the most for their birthday (side side note: I don't think she knows this, this is kind of what I think though)) so we have each done the surprise birthday party thing for each other but now she holds the title for not only getting me a car (everyone should get a car with a bow on it at some point) but also giving it to me 6 months away from my birthday. I think next year I'm gonna need to up my game and chloroform her so she wakes up in Spain. If we continue like this by her 33 birthday I'm gonna have drugged her for 9 months so she wakes up with a baby. We're classy people, what can I say.
But it is amazing getting this car, cause I'm the kind of person who was raised to never really get anything for themselves. The mentality I was given is "If you have a functional *insert thing here* (that's what she said) then you don't need a new one" Which is rather a terrible way to live one's life. I would NEVER have gotten this for myself. You should always factor that personal happiness has its own monetary value. In short, does saving the money not buying version 2.1 of whatever it is you only have version 1 of make up for the lack of happiness you feel? It also helps that a couple of our Friends work at the dealership so it worked out very well without breaking the bank.
So now I have a yellow jeep, and where before I would drive down the road and people would honk, and cut me off, and be generally insane and lower my sense of awesome, now I just smile, and stare up at the sky with the top down on the Jeep and wave at all the other jeeps I see. Note: I'm not weird and creepy, Jeep Wrangler people do this. It's sort of like a wave saying "Go you, you also got a Jeep. Have a great day!" Kind of a nice pick me up. Except about day 2 I had the jeep I passed a Jeep convention that was just letting our and waived at about 50 people. My arms were tired. ....(That's what she said). Man I overuse that ....(That's what... okay I'm done now.)
Funny Patents:
This one just looks a bit wrong:
http://www.google.com/patents?id=vJ_HAAAAEBAJ&printsec=abstract#v=onepage&q&f=false
Cause sometimes you're in the shower and just need to blow your nose. This defies the laws of science!
http://www.google.com/patents?id=ri2DAAAAEBAJ&printsec=abstract#v=onepage&q&f=false
This is the best one I have seen in a LOOOONG time. It is exactly what the title says it is, and look through the pictures to see it in action.
http://www.google.com/patents?id=v8OYAAAAEBAJ&printsec=abstract#v=onepage&q&f=false
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