How to be a Fist Pumping, High Fiving, Son of a B.

The title doesn't have anything to do with this blog, I just really want someone to come up to me one day and call me that. You Fist Pumping, High Fiving, Son of a B. It'd make me feel classy. Well Christmas is upon us. That time of year when people will have already purchased their Christmas gifts because they start advertising in September, and they will break out their lights and do death defying maneuvers from ladders to place them in a hap hazard way across their roofs. That time when children get out of school and a large part of the government takes off for the holiday and those left to commute on the road give in to their deepest desire to pretend that the DC Beltway is instead the Autobahn where they drive well over a hundred miles an hour in a desperate attempt to get their car on two wheels while cutting another two minutes off their commute. That time of year when people hope and pray for snow but sit outside enjoying their choice of either A) bright sunshine and a lot of very confused insects b)rain c)frigid cold with no snow d)fog (no idea why this is the case) or e)more rain. This is that time of year when people try to determine that one thing their life cannot continue without, that one item that would take their lives from being a droll miscreant prowling the night streets to one of glory and highfives all around, only to be rewarded, as every year, with a gift card to a place you may or may not have access too.

I must say, I love slash viciously loath the idea of gift cards. I mean, a gift is supposed to give someone something they didn't know they wanted or needed, but is spot on none the less. But now, in our age of technology and online shopping people believe that if you can't give perfect, let them get it themselves. Which has, consequently, boiled down to just "let them get it themselves". I mean, no one ever opens up a giftwrapped package to find a gift card and thinks "yes! this is exactly what I wanted! Not money! Not a gift! But money and gift in-Potentia rolled into one! Huzza I say inside my head, Huzza!" I mean, offering people gift cards is like the worlds cop out. It says "I remembered you enough to send you something that didn't break the bank, but not enough about you to have ANY IDEA what to get you. PS. I don't send money in the mail." It is a shame.

And building on that, 99% of the fun of the holidays is wrapping paper. It has gotten to the point where everyone gets themselves their own gifts, so that essentially I buy you a gift card so you buy a gift, and you give me a gift card so I buy myself a gift, but wouldn't it make sense to just go buy myself whatever I wanted in the first place and save time? Is it a game to see who can get more money out of the deal? I think the eventual evolution of the White Elephant party (where everyone brings a gift to trade and steal and trade) is that everyone brings an Amazon gift card. But how can you tear into the wrapping paper of a gift card. How do you even disguise that?! Oh Gee, I wonder what THIS is. Maybe you just buy them a book where it is the bookmark inside. But no, wait, its okay cause we make the Gift Cards festive with snow flakes and reindeer pictures and crap on them. No, no that doesn't work. Its still a gift card. I'll grant you if you gave someone a giftcard in a big box that might be a pretty sweet gift. Like if you put a 200$ gift card in a refrigerator box so they tear into that shit all confused and excited like a boy on prom night, and then they get through the wrapping and box only to see the card, then they are disappointed, again like a boy on prom night, and then the open up the wrapping on the card (like a second mini present for unwrapping) and see it is 200$ and back to being excited. That I could respect, but you'd only get to do it once, unless someone wasn't very bright or had a short memory then you could do it for all major holidays saving that you had a strangely large supply of refrigerator boxes.

I'll tell you the one thing I AM looking forward to is the Christmas music. No, not the jolly Carolers or the Religious tunes coming from the Churches. I'm looking forward to the craptastic Christmas remix songs on the radio. You know the ones. They have a strange beat to them with a synth voice undulating about something sexual while referencing Christmas items. Something with lyrics like "Candy Cane... something something...Santa Clause.... something something.... sex under the Christmas Tree" all to a thumping Bass beat. Yea. I love those songs cause its like a musical comedy show plus a train wreck for my ears. I have to wonder if there are people out there who specialize in those songs. It would be like the people who have to edit pornography, or people who do voice overs for Japanese Sex Cartoons. Bottom of the barrel jobs that someone has to do, and it creates a product that just makes me raise an eyebrow in subtle confusion at the outcome. I actually thought that has to be the single worst job EVER being a Hentai (Japanese Sex Cartoon) voice over actor. I mean, really, what do you put on your resume?? How in the world do you word that so it comes across as something you could improve upon? I feel like that is even a step below being a voice over actor for European Porn, which also must be an absolutely terrible job. I mean if there is ever a job where a translation has to go seriously wrong, or be very very confusing as a direct translation it has to be those two. I mean, what if something translates to "slap the tiger and eat the balloon doll"? Just a tangent thought on that. How did I get there from Christmas Music again? Oh yea, Christmas remix music is slutty. Ha!

But anyway, Christmas is within the month and I am excited, and I intend to not die on a ladder putting up Christmas lights, and will enjoy when everyone in the neighborhood puts up those creepy inflatable Santas and snowmen, because, you know, that's what Christmas is all about. Inflatable snow men over real snow men.

This is a link for something I find very cool:
http://primaxstudio.com/stuff/scale_of_universe/
and if you don't like it then too bad.

PS. I hope to give this to my Nephews for Christmas. Why? Cause it 1)Takes up a lot of room, a true sign of an awesome gift, 2)You can get INSIDE it, and 3)Because it is a Friggin SPACE SHIP. Seriously! It even comes with Water for while you are in SPACE! Woooo!